


Happy Ever After Wasn't You

by Alexandria (heartfullofelves)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Era, Character Study, Dark, F/F, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfullofelves/pseuds/Alexandria
Summary: Morgana regrets.





	

Morgana loved Gwen for the longest time – no, was _in love with_ _Gwen_ for the longest time, ever since she can remember. She still is, she thinks, even now. Even though Camelot, her home, the people there, _Gwen_ have all been poisoned for her, there are things she misses.

She misses Gwen entering her bedchamber each morning for a wakeup call.

She misses sleeping on proper linen while a fire burns away at the hearth.

She misses Gwen preparing baths for her.

She misses Gwen helping her dress – and undress, an act that became less innocent as Morgana grew older and learnt desire.

She misses peering out her window down into the courtyard to see all sorts of people coming and going at all times of day.

She misses Gwen helping her get ready for feasts.

She misses bantering with Arthur at those feasts.

She misses returning to bed after those feasts and asking Gwen to sleep with her under the guise of being concerned about Gwen’s safety walking home after dark.

She misses waking up before Gwen and running her hands through that curly hair that will forever be endearing to her.

She misses Gwen giving her flowers.

She misses passing Merlin in the castle hallways and making him blush.

She misses every so often going to see Gaius on a whim, whether she was ailing or not.

She misses Gwen’s laugh, Gwen’s smile.

Yes, Morgana thinks, there are many things she misses about Camelot. But it will never be the same; things cannot go back to how they were, no matter how much she misses the old days, the good days, her younger days; no matter how much she misses Gwen. Things did not turn out how she wanted – ha, what an understatement! – she suffered greatly, and now she will take what belongs to her.

She will have vengeance.

She will make things right. Not perfect – it’s far too late for that – but right.

The last thing she wanted – wants, ever wanted – was to hurt Gwen, her friend, her beloved, but now it is less about what Morgana wants and more about what must be. Changing destiny, fate, whatever you wish to call it, is a challenging task. But it must be done. 

Morgana must do it. And no matter how much her heart aches at the thought, Gwen is in her way.

She knows that just as she never wanted to hurt Gwen, Gwen never wanted to hurt her. It is unfortunate, then, that they now have separate goals, separate destinies. She knows they will never again cross paths for good, only for bad. Only for battle. And it hurts, stings, burns, but it’s the truth.

Once upon a time – not so long ago, in fact – Morgana believed she would remain Uther’s spinster ward, living in Camelot with Gwen serving her for the rest of her days, her secret love by her side till death do us part. Waking up from this fairy tale, realising it would no longer happen was one of the most difficult things she has ever had to face. Her happy ever after could not come true, not with Gwen, not that way. She ran out of options, out of time, out of love. She had to harden her heart so no-one could hurt her anymore. She had to turn the tables so she was hurting _them_.

Did she enjoy it? Does she enjoy it? Sometimes, yes. But given what she has been through, does that surprise?

But more often necessity guides her deadly hands, not pleasure.

That hasn’t changed.

She knows this can end one way: with death. With blood. Hers or others’, it is the only way to finish what she – no, what _Uther_ started, before she was born. He is dead but still must pay the price for his crimes, Arthur his proxy.

Morgana regrets that Gwen will be caught in the middle, but she must remember she has no choice.

She never had a choice.


End file.
